What is self-sabotaging?
Self-sabotage is the thought patterns and behaviour that stop you from living your best life.
It is letting the negative voice is your head (that we all have) win every time.
‘I can’t do this’
‘I don’t deserve this promotion’
‘Why does this happen to me every time?’
It can be a revolving door; the repetitive negative thought patterns which create behaviors that inevitability stop you from working towards and changing your goals.
Man, this sounds like me. Does this sound like you?
At times we may do this to protect ourselves; stepping outside our comfort zone and pushing ourselves is easier said than done.
When you are used to doing things a certain way for so long, switching things up and maintaining the change takes time for us to process. We now need to make new habits. But first, let’s understand the signs.
Signs of self-sabotage and how they presented themselves in my life
Having difficulty voicing my needs
Being an introverted, empathic person who tries to avoid confrontation at all costs has its cons.
In order to have healthy relationships, we need to have our needs met. We should do this in all relationships. Work-related; professional and personal.
Having and maintain relationships is essential for your wellbeing- click here for more information.
In all honesty, I am learning to take this advice. Let’s take relationships, for example.
In my previous ‘situationships’, I just wanted to make the other person happy, and to do this, I neglected my needs. I put their happiness and wellness above my own.
DO NOT DO THIS, PLEASE!
It caused so much hurt (and toxic energy). After that, it required a lot of healing, but it has helped me better understand what I will and will not tolerate in romantic relationships.
Fast forward to now, I know my partner and I’s love language. Finding out your love language will give you the knowledge of how you need to be loved and how your needs can be met in a relationship. My love language is words of attraction; I like when my partner compliments me and tells me how much I add value to their life and how much I mean to them.
Gas me up, baby!
Do you know your love language? Click here and take the test to find out.
Signs to look out for
Being a perfectionist
If you have read my previous post, I am working on overcoming imposter syndrome. A sign of imposter syndrome is being a perfectionist to a fault.
When working on a task, you want to get every detail perfect in as few tries as possible. Having high standards, sorry impossibly high standards, makes it near impossible to move on to different things until you are satisfied with your output.
Besides, being a perfectionist may mean waiting for the perfect time to make a move towards your goals. When is ever the perfect time? When you quit your job? When you get a promotion? When you feel confident enough to pursue your goals? If this world has shown us is that there may never be a perfect time.
I put on hold getting help for my anxiety and depression when I actually had time to work on it. When I had time in my schedule to fit in therapy, specifically cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
If you would like to know more about my experience with CBT, click here.
Being anal about how you do tasks is good but letting perfectionism take all your time is not helpful.
When things get tough, you get to moving
I sure did! As some of you may know, I’ve had many jobs (10+) if I am frank. Flashback to my uni days, I had a temporary job as a waitress. My quick thinking, impulsive self decided to apply for a waitressing role whereby I served food and beverages to clients at big events.
Mind you, I was studying business and psychology, but I didn’t think it through.
I could have started looking for jobs in a relevant field that will aid my career. Yet, I didn’t do that. I just wanted some extra income. Anyway, back to the story!
At one point, I dropped cutlery on a client’s lap. I was horrified! I apologized and disappeared. That was my last shift.
All in all, I worked fewer than 5 shifts. I give my hats off to waitresses. It is not an easy job at all! I couldn’t balance more than 2 plates which were not ideal. I have nerve damage in my right hand so putting a lot of pressure on my hand hurts. I didn’t think of that, so I left.
I could have talked to my manager about it, but I found an easy way out.
Constantly putting yourself down
Wow.
This happens for a lot of us. Having the negative voice reminding us that we can’t live up to our expectations. For years I battled with my confidence. This may have come from external sources. I was bullied for years, and I didn’t work on my confidence for a while after the fact. I let other people determine how I felt about myself.
Over time, this morphed into setting high standards for my image- I need to look a certain way, I need my thighs to grow. Along with comparing my body to others on Instagram! I would not advise; it takes a dump on your confidence and could impact how you view your body.
Ways to overcome self-sabotage
Identifying yourself sabotaging habits
When new opportunities arise, what do you immediately do? Do you turn it down? What thoughts come?
It may be worth writing down the habits in a journal. It will give you a chance to find alternatives to the thoughts and potentially find a cause.
Get an understanding of why you self-sabotage
Are you a person that likes routine? Type A personality? Does change scare you?
If you answered yes, then it could be a reason why you self-sabotage situations. It’s outside of your comfort zone. It requires doing new things that you are not used to.
Thoughts to ponder on:
How do you cope with stress? When you feel stress, do you shut down? Do you automatically say,” nope, I can’t cope with it”?
If that’s the case, you may need stress management practices that work for you. This could be the 7/11 technique; inhale for 7 seconds and exhale for 11 seconds. Make sure you implement self-care into your daily routine.
Use affirmations
When you find the negative thoughts overcome your mind, try saying affirmations. Affirmations are positive statements that you can repeat to yourself daily. You can cater the affirmations to what you need to work on. For example, “I am full of confidence”.
“I walk with confidence”.
“I am powerful”.
Say affirmations several times a day.
Set goals
Where do you see yourself in a month? A year? When you do make goals, please make sure they are SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, timed). Making goals will help you not to set unachievable standards and self-sabotage when you don’t achieve them.
You can always come back and reflect on your goals periodically but try to take each day as it comes.
Take away
Regardless of what we will go through, what stage we are in our personal development and careers, there will always be fear and potential ways that we may self-sabotage.
We must take care of ourselves and cut ourselves some slack. Working through and navigating this world is hard so pat yourself on the back. You haven’t given up, and for that, I am happy for you.
Thanks for reading.
Take care and stay safe.
XO
It’s hard sometimes to not be so hard on myself. I try to tell myself it’s okay to make mistakes everyone makes mistakes. I feel like sometimes I forget that it’s okay. Such an encouragement post about knowing is okay to not be perfect.
It is difficult to not be hard on yourself especially when you have high standards for yourself. But you are right! We have got to take it one day at a time. Thanks for reading.
This resigned with me so much and such a good informative post for others who may not understand what some people go through
Thank you for reading! I hope you overcome self-sabotaging habits
I am really guilty of self-sabotage and feeling imposter syndrome. This guide is so helpful although it takes a lot of emotional unpicking to overcome these feelings.
Me too! I only recently found out what imposter syndrome is. I hope this post helps. We’ve just got to take one day at a time. Thank you for reading!
Very good read! There’s a lot of things in here I didn’t think about.
Thank you for reading!
Affirmations were huge in my losing the self sabbatoging habit. I’m not saying to don’t ever do it again but it’s so seldom and a sign for me to check back in on whether the goal or things I set out to do was right for me in the beginning.
Yes! Affirmations are so important. As soon as that negative voice starts to speak, we have got to use the affirmations! Thanks for reading.
Affirmations and goals can really help to not self sabotage yourself. These are great suggestions.
Indeed! Thank you for reading.
This is an important post. I do this and I know a lot of people who also do this. I think I look confident on the outside, but on the inside I question most things that I do. Affirmations and goals are a big part of how I overcome this. To do this, I use a journal.
Journalling is everything! It is therapeutic to just let it all out. Self-sabotage is hard to overcome but we can do it! We have just got to take one day at a time. Thanks for reading.
A great post and reminder that I am more than the negative thoughts in my head. I love affirmations!
Affirmations are key for us all! Thank you for reading
I used to be a perfectionist and I still am in some ways, but I am trying to get out of that mindset because I’ve just lately realized how it’s affecting me.
Being a perfectionist is hard work but give yourself some credit for doing what you do! Try and schedule in some TLC too! Thanks for reading
Can totally relate. I used to be too perfectionist and didn’t get things done. Now I am not stressed at all if something isn’t ready made, therefore I am getting more things done. Great thoughts!
Right! I am glad to hear that you are less stressed. All we can do is try to be present and not worry over things that we have no control over. Thank you for reading.
It’s a difficult one and I see myself here: Being an introverted, empathic person who tries to avoid confrontation at all costs
I would do anything to please everyone else but me at all times. And guess what? Even that is impossible.
Thanks for your wonderful insight into this psychological dilemma.
It is a lot to juggle, so I completely understand where you are coming from. Never stop being you! Thank you for taking the time to read my post.