Have you had counselling before? Do you miss it?
As part of my healing journey, I have decided to go back to counselling
Why counselling?
Because l like to rant, express myself and get things off my chest. When I was around the age of 20/21, I had counselling for the first time. I had roughly three or four months of counselling and I enjoyed it.
Some weeks, I even looked forward to it as I had some things to talk about that I kept bottled up.
Which isn’t healthy in the slightest.
Over time, I began to open up more and more and was sad when counselling came to an end.
Then I was fully immersed into adulating life and I was like yo, I need counselling in my life.
But now, I have to pay for it wah
.
However, I wasn’t opposed to it.
Some spend money on retail therapy, I spend money on therapy. Both have benefits (and both can be costly; I am just saying).
In all honesty, I truly believe that you have to invest in your mental health and that is exactly what I am doing.
Going further, I included counselling in my monthly budget because it will be a long-term permanent thing in my life and I am here for it.
As I began the hunt for looking for a new therapist, I decided that private was the way to go. Thankfully, I am able to pay for it comfortably. Another thing that I wanted to ensure was that I found a therapist of colour. I have a therapist that wasn’t a person of colour (to my knowledge) and it was fine we got along but I think that having a counsellor that looks like me helps as they would be able to relate to some cultural experiences.
I then found several I mean at least 10 potential counsellors that had great experience and focuses on the topics that I feel I need to discuss.
Then boom, I found my lovely counsellor.
Giving aunty vibes, I am here for it.
Now lets go to my sessions
Session #1
As expected, the first session focused on how on the format of how each session will go, confidentiality blah blah. I then dove right in and started talking and talking and talking
But then the ADHD kicked in and I felt like all my thoughts and me talking was done for the day so I went quiet.
But I didn’t feel that awkward. Oh, I didn’t even mention, my sessions are over zoom.
Back to the session,
There will be moments when you’re just sitting there and your counsellor is observing you. Perhaps waiting for you to continue to talk which is fine and it will get like that sometimes.
But that pretty much sums up session 1.
Session # 2
This session was less awkward.
I disclosed that I was diagnosed with ADHD and homegirl was literally just like oh ok.
Which was cool. It was like I told her I’m tired. Which I really appreciate.
At the back of my mind, I was thinking that she may be thinking, ok, she’s quiet she is probably zoning out. Which is possibly accurate.
Then we started discussing the topic of relationships which I sure do have a lot to say about it because sheeeesh.
I was much more talkative (and made it on time because I was slightly late last time which annoyed the hell out of me) and I even told her about what I wanted to discuss in the next session.
Who is she?!
I am her.
Session #3
During this session, you couldn’t keep my mouth closed.
With all that I got going on; grief, guilt, self-doubt I did celebrate my wins! I mentioned that I genuinely feel happy and content with my job! My therapist felt happy for me which is always a plus.
I then mentioned the issue I’m facing with men and relationships but there are so many layers to it that I don’t think one session will surface.
I am staying to feel comfortable with my therapist now and honestly, an hour of my time flew by.
She let me ramble and didn’t interpret me but seems interested in what I had to say which is always a plus. Yay for me.
Session #4
This session, I did not take a breath.
I was pretty much talking non-stop for the whole hour.
Look at me, look at growth.
I felt so good to just get things off my chest.
We discussed the importance of letting out the tears.
Honestly, this year has been a lot and I have yet to bo ho cry, like completely let go.
I haven’t had one of those crying sessions since I was a child.
My counsellor asked me, so what will happen if one day, you can’t control the tears and they just come flowing out?
I have no idea I thought.
Growing up, every time I cried, I was told to stop crying so now, I cant really cry. I try my best to control it but there will come a time when I can’t and honestly, I am ok with that.
They say crying is therapeutic, and I am all about healing so I am cool with it.
Session #5
once again, another session was filled with me rambling but it felt needed.
Finding out information that may caused me to fall of this healing path and focus on the negativity in turn encouraged me to NOT focus on the information but made me ask questions.
Will this information serve me?
Will knowing this information make me feel better?
Will this information change what has already happened?
The answer to every question is no.
And in a nutshell, my therapist agreed. I have come so far from this situation and I will not be going backwards.
In the second half of the session we discussed the next step that I want to take to aid my growth and what/who may be hindering it.
I have stood in the shadows of my parents for so long that now, I have to speak up and step out of their shadows and I am ready for it but I don’t think they are ready to let me fly.
I guess it is a parents thing that I may not understand until I am a parent.
I have to learn how to fly, if I fall, I can at least say I tried.
Session #6
During this session, I spoke about the relationships I have with my loved ones.
Just talking about it made me realise how differently we were raised and how differently we carry ourselves. Which is absolutely fine.
But what I do not like is when people try to put their own limitations that they have on their life on to you.
We are different. I am a free spirit and sometimes that rubs people the wrong way.
That is not my problem, that is theirs.
I am not going to limit myself in order to please others to mould myself to how they see fit for me.
No way.
That’s where boundaries come in. Protecting your peace is everything.
Session #7
I need to focus on my happiness and my decisions that’s it.
I was talking about how my mood is sometimes turned sour by the opinions of others.
I used to care so much about how others may feel about me doing me.
Why? I don’t know.
I am growing up, a matter of fact I’m grown so others may still see me as a child.
That is not a problem.
Guilt is a problem that I am still trying to work through so I need to let that go.
I need my space to grow and flourish and I will do just that as I need to express myself and fly.
Session #8
This session was discombobulated. I was going to cancel it but I left it too late and I am not about wasting money at all.
I talked, talked and talked. This week was a bit much for me so I had to get things off my chest.
I was sad this week because I found out some information about my brother which made me sad and at first, I didn’t know that it impacted me so much so I was glad that I was able to express it because I didn’t tell anyone.
Using the sessions to rant is important for me and I am glad that I am able to do it.
Session #?
It has been a while since I have added to the counselling diaries. I went from having counselling every other week to now having it the last Wednesday of every month.
Why did I change my counselling sessions?
During the bi-weekly sessions, I struggled to find something to discuss at times as not much changed during the 2-week period. I didn’t want to just sit there watching the time go by and essentially, not make great use of the time that I had and that I paid for
Cost of living- as you are all aware, the cost of living is increasing and it is becoming worrisome. I have always stated that counselling is a staple in my self-care. I need a space to express myself without judgement and to someone who has a different perspective from those in my circle.
During my last session, I discussed what all transpired during the month of September and it was a lot.
• I went to Turkey with my friends
• Stuff that is going on with my dad
• Car troubles
• My day-long crying sessions
• Feeling incompetent at work
• ADHD Support group
During the session, when we discussed work, I also mention that I rarely take some time off because it was engraved in me to continue working even if I feel like I may be experiencing burnout. My counsellor said, “Work will always be there.” And that is a fact.
Work is not going anywhere (unfortunately). For most of us to survive, we need to work. We have bills to pay and in order for us to have a work/life balance and afford to travel and enjoy our break from work, we need work to afford that. So, we need to take care of our bodies and minds. That may mean that we need to take some time off work to rest and recover. Rest helps us to rejuvenate and especially in the field that I am working in, I need some time to just breathe.
So that is what I am going to work on, finding more time to recover and not putting so much pressure on myself to be the workhorse that I have always been.
As I continue with my sessions, I am going to give you guys just a little update as to what my experience with counselling is.
I hope you find it useful.
Thank you for reading.
Take care and stay safe.
XO
